Whooohooo! We’re off to Europe for vacation until the 20th. Have a wonderful couple of weeks everyone!

There was nothing interesting on TV last night, so I decided to watch a free On Demand movie. D was doing homework so I took the opportunity to watch a film about relationships and emotions: Forget Paris, from 1995 and starring Billy Crystal and Debra Winger. I first thought I had seen the movie years ago, but as I was watching it I realized that I had actually never seen it before. Now, I have to admit that it’s not the best movie I’ve ever seen, but I think it’s a wonderful relationship movie and I really enjoyed watching it. Much of the film seemed very realistic to me. The big and pleasant surprise was the part where they were trying to have a child and the director didn’t go with the cliché story, you know, the one with the classic happy ending. Instead, it portrayed something which seemed completely plausible and real. In 1995, IVF can’t have been as common of an infertility treatment as it is today (or was it?), so it must have been rather unusual to have it play out in films then.

If you haven’t seen the movie yet, I really recommend it. Although the IVF isn’t the main part of the plot, having gone through the process myself, I could really relate to it in a different way than I would have several years ago. I also found the crises they went through in their marriage (and sex life) very realistic. Even though we don’t have the same work place related problems in our marriage as they did in the film, I could totally relate. If you are now planning to see it, which I hope you are, don’t read the next paragraph as it’s a spoiler.

So not only did they go through IVF (her tubes were blocked), but the IVF was unsuccessful – for 2 years! How often does Hollywood go this route?! She finally said enough, she wanted to stop it, and when he asked her if she wanted to adopt, her simple (and realistic) response was just that she didn’t know and was just tired. And that was it. That was all. No wonderful baby through IVF, and no baby through adoption, and most importantly, no magic baby conceived ‘naturally’ because they were either doing IVF or adopting. How refreshing! How real.

I felt as if this story was taken straight from someone’s life. I applaud Billy Crystal who not only starred in it, but who also co-wrote, produced, and directed this great film. Well done!

There is nothing special going on in my world right now, something I welcome after some far too eventful times lately. Work in the office is, well, work in the office. The highlight of the day is when it’s time to go home, and Fridays: priceless. It’s not a good attitude towards a job and I’m going to change it – after my vacation. The countdown has started: 5 days until we fly to Europe for almost 3 weeks. I can’t wait for the relaxation, the fun, and to see my family! I’ve missed them so much.

I’m still working out after work, except on Wednesdays when I go and volunteer with a local environmental organization. The super fit woman was fortunately not in the fitness center on Tuesday or Thursday. There were only some super fit men there, but I can deal with that. I’m still doing the sit-ups on the sloping ab bench and let me tell you what a fantastic peace of equipment that really is! I used to try to do the regular sit-ups on the floor, but my lower back would just kill me. I know that I was most likely not doing them right, but I just didn’t know how to get around the aching back even with my best efforts at doing text book style sit-ups. Well, the solution was this spectacular bench. My back isn’t hurting at all and my abs are really, really sore after I’ve done sit-ups so I know it’s working and I’m doing them right this time (even though there’s nothing rock hard -or even remotely firm- about my abs or any other part of my body… but I’ll still give it a go)

No sit-ups today, though, because we’re heading up to our house in the Pocono Mountains for the first time in several weeks. We need to take care of our little garden that we worked so hard to establish in the rocky soils. Hopefully, it will still be alive. We also have tickets to another Pennsylvania Shakespeare Festival play tomorrow night: Twelfth Night. I’m really looking forward to that.

Even though it’s going to be hot this weekend (no air conditioning in the house because it’s only warm there a few days a year), we’re going to do some experimental cooking with a bunch of vegetables we haven’t cooked with before, which is going to be fun. We’re new members of an organic farm near were I volunteer, so every Wednesday, I go and pick up (and sometimes pick my own) loads of different vegetables. There’s so much that it barely fits in our refrigerator and it lasts all week. We’ve never enjoyed so many wonderfully fresh salads before. The vegetables are as fresh as they can possibly get, taste great, and are totally organic. For a $300 seasonal membership, it’s definitely worth every penny. How nice is that?!

Finish graduate school: check! Get job: check! Marry the most wonderful man on earth: check! Have child: no check. Job promotion: check! Do IVF: check! Have child: still no check. Do another IVF: check. Have child: still no check. Keep marriage: check (thank God)! Find my path:__ . What is the way forward at this point?

For the past several months, we have been thinking of not renewing our apartment lease. We’re not crazy about the apartment or the complex, even though it’s not terrible either. Also, renting is sort of throwing money away. So we’ve been thinking of the alternatives: moving to another, nicer apartment complex; buying a condo; buying a house. Before our big shocking Talk, I was the one pushing the idea of change and a new place to live, but after our talk, D is the one out looking at possible future apartments. I think the pain in my gut from the Talk still lingers and I am very cautious about everything now. D feels that he has made a solid commitment to me and that we should throw ourselves into this wholeheartedly. I wouldn’t want him to feel any other way, and yet, I’m nervous. On the other hand, I also don’t really feel like signing on to another lease for our not so great, but cheap, apartment.

The market for buying a house couldn’t be any better right now, as everyone knows. Is that what we want, though? We already have a weekend house in the mountains. The upkeep for two houses would be a lot. And then there’s the question of money: we don’t have all that cash to put down on a house right now. No matter how much of a bargain a house may be, you still have to show them the money. But now when it looks like we’re not going to have to pay for all the expenses that come with children, shouldn’t we be investing in our future - and in a house? Is the timing not right, or is it in fact perfect?

I’ve been in this whirlwind of big life changes and fundamental life questions for the past couple of years, especially this spring, and I want to make sure that I’m standing with both feet on the ground. It’s like I have this big canvass in front of me and I’m trying to figure out what to paint on it. It has the potential to be wonderful and beautiful, but I’m afraid of not being such a great artist and making something ugly instead. Nonetheless, it is exciting to have all this potential and to be free to make lots of choices. I only wish I had a gigantic trust fund and could travel to all the exotic and exciting corners of the world! D, on the other hand, wants to be a stay-at-home-husband. As he says, “I’m ready to ride the Sweetpea gravy train now that you’ve finished school.” (yeah, right. who’s he kidding? who marries a poor geographer for money?)

I went to work out in the fitness center again yesterday. I’m huffing and puffing after not having gone regularly for so long. In the middle of my huffing, in comes a woman who is pretty, tanned, fit like nothing I’ve seen in a long time, and dressed in trendy tight workout clothing (I’m wearing baggy oversize clothes). She quickly cranks out 60 sit-ups on that sloping bench (but who’s counting?) and proceeds to the bicycle. I’m on the elliptical machine, glancing over when she punches in the time to bike, the target heart rate, and her age: 39, like me!! After some steady high speed bicycling, she moves to the weight machines, lifting a fair amount of weight (kind of where I was before I dropped off the face of the earth and started IVF). I get off the elliptical and do some sit-ups, but can only muster about 20 on the bench before my hip hurts (really, it did!), making me look even more pathetic than I really am and making me feel like 100.

I do some weights, even though I’ve backtracked big time, only lifting about half what I lifted in January. I do some silly looking squats. I stretch. I’ve had enough. As I’m leaving, super woman is cranking out another 60 sit-ups and I’m wondering if she’s going to keep the same hour to work out as I was planning on… ~Sigh~

My weekend was very nice. We went to a party that was wonderful; the food was truly fantastic and the fireworks were spectacular. What more could you ask for? Hmmm… I’m not sure I should blog about this, but since I’ve been pretty open about everything that’s been going on ever since the IVF started, I might as well continue, but I will try to tread lightly. There haven’t exactly been fireworks in the bedroom lately. In fact, that whole part of our lives has taken a serious nose dive. I guess it’s been the elephant in the room for a few months now and yesterday, D finally brought it up.

So we were trying to figure out what happened, and from my perspective, I think that the IVF with all the zillion dildo cams, surgeries, cervical dilations, and injecting gallons of hormones into my body did a real job on my libido. Add to that some pretty awful timing of AF that for some mysterious reason kept arriving on weekends. And the past couple of weeks, ever since “We got to talk”, it’s obviously been the furthest thing from my mind. I’ve also tried to come to terms with the fact that I will never be a mother. Voilá, and all the fireworks are gone.

Overall, I think that all the stressful events that we’ve gone through for the past few months have just been awful for our fire and passion, which were already on shaky ground before the IVF. I don’t think it was for any particularly serious reason back then, but just that I felt I wanted some of the ‘small stuff’ that women tend to like and that fuels the fire. You know, the little seemingly insignificant things that men tend to overlook, like the gentle caress of the cheek in the middle of the day for no reason (other than he loves you). That was only an example, but you know what I’m talking about, right?

I’m now quite nervous. How do you get the desire and passion back into the relationship? I also feel guilty. I feel like it’s my fault, even though in my head, I know that’s not how it is. It’s not my fault and he’s definitely not blaming me. If anything, he thinks there’s something wrong with him — which there absolutely isn’t! Nonetheless, there is it, our elephant. It also reminds me of a couple of years ago when I was in the process of finishing my dissertation. I was so incredibly stressed and exhausted that I was not only suffering with headaches, dizziness, stomach aches, and a variety of rashes and eczemas, but my desire disappeared - gone. I was completely surprised and baffled by that and felt terribly guilty. I asked the doctor and she just told me that it was the stress and that the desire would come back. It did, but it took wayyyyy longer than I thought it would. It was just starting to get better and then Wham, IVF with all its lovely side effects knocked me right out of the game again. I want to fix this, but I don’t know how. I still love D and D still loves me. What do we do now?

Oh, by the way, I just found that tryingtoconceive at Infertility Bites actually posted thoughts on this topic yesterday, in Let’s Get Personal. There are other brave souls out there posting and looking for an answer to this delicate situation. Thank you tryingtoconceive and thank you Duck for making me feel less alone. I only hope we will all find a solution soon.